LMAO
Regardless of who it is, I am laughing at something or with someone many times during the day. 
This page is really to capture those moments and are meant as a source of medicine! I just hope I can do the stories justice. So here are some gems! Some true life, others just jokes that make me LMAO.
Add your favorite joke. By the way, if you tell my uncle about this page, he will be able to fill it up to write a book!
Keep on a blogg’in.
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A young Chinese couple gets married. She’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is too, but she doesn’t know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the dark.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
‘My darring’, he whispers, ‘ I know dis your firss time and you berry
frighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want; I do anyting’,
anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want? he says, trying to
sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly)
for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back,
‘I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls… Numbaa 69.’
More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her….
’You want………. Garlic Chicken wif snow peas??’
Football FINALLY makes sense……….
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
‘Oh, I really liked it,’ she replied, ‘especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents!
Dumbfounded, her date asked, ‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’
I’m like…Helloooooooooooooo? It’s only 25 freaking cents!!!!!!
Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:
“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”
THE NEW MEXICAN CHILE COOK-OFF
IT has been awhile, but this one is worth the wait. Rated HILARIOUS!!
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no
hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to
paramedics at a chile cook-off in New Mexico .
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this
is. They actually have a Chile Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3
was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting fromSpringfield , IL .
Frank: ‘Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chile
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the
Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became
Judge 3.’
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILE # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILE # 2 – EL RANCHO ‘S AFTERBURNER CHILE
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILE # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARNCHILE
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chile. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 — Black bean chile with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chile.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chile an aphrodisiac?
CHILE # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chile. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chile using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chile had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILE # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chile. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILE # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chile with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chile peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chile, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve
decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILE # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chile. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chile. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chile pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chile?
Judge # 3 – No Report